to be quite honest…

Man, I lied this weekend and wasn’t transparent at all.  But before I get into how I lied, I want to tell you a little about the past couple of weeks in my life. 

I have had a rough couple of weeks in my life as of late.  I have had a lot on my mind and my self confidence has waivered a lot.  I found myself not believing in who I am or in the gifts that the Lord has placed within me.  Life has just been ‘blah’ for me and I feel like I’m in a hard place.  I’m not the best at expressing my feelings or putting into words how I feel, but I just feel like I want to cry all the time. 

Sometimes I think that because people always see me in a good mood and always smiling and happy that I have everything in my life together and that I am fine.  I have realized that many people don’t genuinely ask how I am doing and I think it’s because they assume I am doing fine–shoot, I’m Marissa and I’m always chipper and I always have a smile on my face.  I assume also that if someone did ask how I am doing that they couldn’t handle what I would have to say if I really started telling them how I truly was doing.  I’ve put myself in a Catch 22 with both of those assumptions and I’m working on getting out and changing my thinking. 

I thank God for my friends, though–for the ones who probe into my life and know how to dig things out of me.  True, I’m not the most forthcoming person with information about my life, and I think its because I think that some of the things that I deal with are too heavy…especially for people who don’t know me to struggle or go through things…for people who don’t know me as a crier and as someone who is some aspects insecure…for people who know me as this faith filled person and not as someone who questions God and even doubts Him sometimes.  To be honest, I’m not sure if many people could handle me crying for real and just letting out what’s really on my heart and within me at times.

All of that being said, I lied this weekend.  I lied to Shy…I lied to Auntie Cynthia…I lied to Liana.  They all asked me yesterday how I was doing and I told them that I was doing “excellent,” “fine,” “great.”  I lied to these women even though I know that I can always be transparent and really tell them how I was feeling.  I lied to them even though I knew that they genuinely wanted to know how I was doing.  I’m not sure if they really knew what was going on within me or even if they could see it in my eyes…but I lied to them and I don’t know why.  Maybe because I didn’t want to bawl right then and there and just let it all out in front of everyone so that I could save face.  Maybe because I didn’t think they could handle it right then and there since they were getting ready to leave.  Maybe because I thought that it was neither the time nor the place…frankly, I don’t know.  I think I was scared to cry in front of all of those people because it might freak them out…

questioning1.jpg

I’m not one to always ask for help in regards to dealing with my emotions and spiritually and to just let people know how I am truly doing in life.  I don’t know which way to turn a lot of the time and so I turn inwards and keep everything to myself.  I don’t want to burden other people with my problems and situations.  I think to myself, “Shoot…I’m a Christian who has been saved for nearly 10 years…I should have my stuff together and should be able to handle this by myself…just me and God.”  Man, that is such a lie from the enemy…and I bought that lie this weekend.

I am sorry for lying…I really am.  I’m a work in progress and confess to not having it together…I never have.  I need your prayers and your shoulders to lean on.  To be honest, times are tough for me right now and I’m doing a lot of crying and questioning.  I’ve done a lot of self protecting via thoughts of giving up on some relationships and even not letting people into my inner life.

Needless to say, there’s a lot going on in my life and a lot of learning, self realization, healing and praying to be done.  Send a shout out up if you get a chance…

Work in progress…

Advertisements

~ by visionaryvanguard on Monday, 2007 October 8.

2 Responses to “to be quite honest…”

  1. MWAH. 🙂

  2. i personally think…(even though im a complete stranger here).. that true friends will never find anything too heavy for them, especially just sharing. God is great, but it doesn’t mean you can’t tell other friends! Feelings that are bottled up have to go out somewhere someday. Good luck with your life 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: